A couple reviews of Time to Tell ’Em Off! contain some ideas that I find to be faulty, so I believe I would be irresponsible if I did not address them. It has taken me a long time to post my response because I know it’s considered unprofessional to defend one’s book when reviewers criticize it. But there is a larger, more important issue here—the issue of how to address peer ridicule/bullying in schools—and I believe that what I have to say below can be useful to those who are seeking to solve this problem.
A CM Magazine reviewer at
http://www.umanitoba.ca/outreach/cm/vol9/no5/timetotell.html says the following:
My response:
When targets of bullying have to ask adult authority figures to intervene on their behalf, that is what further isolates the targets from their peers. The reason is because the bullies and bystanders usually find out that the targets had to ask for help, and preteens and teens who enlist adults to defend them are looked down upon by their peers. However, when adults step in and put a stop to bullying without being asked by the targets, this is generally effective. In an ideal school environment, the targets would not have to go to adult authority figures to get them involved because these adults would already be involved in showing zero tolerance for bullying. Bullying would be so discouraged by the adults and the student body that it would rarely occur, and when it did happen, the powerful majority would stamp it out right away instead of leaving the targets the distasteful choice of facing it alone or asking adults for help.
Here is an example of effective adult intervention: Someone is being bullied in a classroom or the hallway, and a teacher steps in right away and puts a stop to it.
Here is a real-life example of ineffective adult intervention: I was ridiculed every day in a classroom, and the teacher didn’t do anything about it. I got the unspoken message that my rights were not worth anything to the adult in charge. Because the teacher did nothing and I did nothing, the bullies were encouraged to continue. The other students showed their approval by laughing or joining in. After this happened many times, my parents complained to the school principal. I assume the principal called the bullies to the office and lectured them because the bullies announced it to the entire class as if they had made a great achievement. The kids in the class thought it was very funny, and the teacher ignored it. The adult intervention had further isolated me from my peers.
In my book I give advice on how to overcome your self-doubt and how to act more friendly toward other people, and acquiring those skills is a better way to avoid isolation than relying on adults to defend you.
CM Magazine reviewer says:
My response:
If the target stands up for himself when he’s being bullied, the teachers and administrators may have to step in and mediate a conflict, and that’s stressful for them. If the target stays silent and takes the abuse, the teachers and administrators get to ignore the bullying and do nothing, which is less stressful for them and more stressful for the target. The psychological damage to the target will likely rear its ugly head much later in his life when the teachers and administrators are no longer around. So, again, they won’t have to deal with it. But there is always a risk that the target who passively endures the bullying will snap and lash out violently when the teachers and administrators are indeed still around.
The bottom line, I’ve found, is that if you don’t stand up for yourself and show respect for yourself, the bullies and the bystanders won’t show respect for you either. If you don’t show that you won’t tolerate abuse, they will expect you to tolerate it, and they’ll keep it coming. If you don’t believe and act like you are worth something, bullies will treat you like you’re worth nothing. And if you put up with the abuse in silence, you run the risk of exploding at some point.
The best situation, of course, is when targets can take steps to protect themselves from ever getting bullied in the first place. And it’s nice when the adults in charge and the other students show zero tolerance for the bullying. But what is a target to do when neither of those scenarios occurs? In general, not using comebacks, and instead ignoring the bullies, is beneficial to the bullies and to those bystanders (both students and teachers) who don’t want to get involved or deal with a confrontation. It is not beneficial to the targets.
CM Magazine reviewer says:
My response:
CM Magazine reviewer says:
My response:
So, yes, I agree that more can be accomplished as a group. But this group includes the targets of bullying. Just as there are certain actions that school administrators can take, there are certain actions that the targets can take. I do not tell students to “cope with it by themselves”; I give them tools that, based on my personal experience, I believe will help them deal with the problem as much as it is within their power to do so. Unfortunately, though, it seems that in many cases young people are forced to cope with it by themselves because the other members of the school community are not pulling their weight.
CM Magazine reviewer says:
My response:
Maybe this has changed; I haven’t been to a bookstore or library recently. But at the time it was the case.
CM Magazine reviewer says:
My response:
CM Magazine reviewer says:
My response:
CM Magazine reviewer says:
My response:
Please note that when I say young people need to be prepared for the difficulties of the adult world, I do not mean that peer ridicule is good preparation for adulthood. On the contrary, young people need to have their confidence built up, not attacked, to improve their chances of survival. So much of a person’s success—in all aspects of life, from dating to artistic accomplishments to the job market—depends on whether the person believes in himself and projects that confidence, on whether the person feels and acts comfortable in his own skin and at ease around others. A person who acts anxious, insecure, and unsure of himself—all characteristics of someone who has been bullied for a long time—will be perceived as less lovable, less capable, less talented, etc., and he will find it harder to get a date, a job, and just about anything in life. So that is one reason why zero tolerance for bullying must be achieved in schools. Bullies absolutely should not be allowed to rob someone of that confidence that is so crucial to success later in life.
A Peer Support Networker reviewer at
http://194.80.240.15/issues/issue20.htm#miller says the following:
“There is a temptation to believe that because I can identify so readily with Miller’s experiences that the lessons she has learnt from these must also apply to myself.”
My response:
Peer Support Networker reviewer says:
My response:
Since I aim in the book to comfort people who are hurting, to boost their feelings of self-worth, and to offer them insights based on years of firsthand experience, I do not consider this an “alternative perspective.” A lot of what I say is common sense that just didn’t occur to me when I was being ridiculed because I was too negatively affected by the ridicule. I, too, seek to help readers make informed decisions. I share with them what I’ve learned through personal trial and error, then direct them to Web sites where they can find other perspectives.
Peer Support Networker reviewer says:
My response:
Regarding “the bully for whom she has no end of insults”: I merely tell the truth. For example, I say, “Almost all of my attackers were poor students. Hardly any of the boys who made fun of my looks were good-looking themselves” (pg. 32). These are facts that could have been be proven by their report cards and school photos. I am also open about my own unattractiveness back then, providing school photos of myself as proof. So I’m not trying to be vindictive when I point out faults in the bullies. I’m just telling the truth, and it’s something that targets of bullying need to hear. Being ridiculed often makes a person feel worthless and inferior to the bullies and everyone in general. I believe it is good for targets to hear that not only are the bullies not better looking or smarter, but they have a serious defect in character if they enjoy putting others down and tormenting them.
Regarding “Knowing that many bullied children become bullies”: I might believe some bullied children become bullies, but I cannot believe many do. I never became a bully, and I never saw a bullied child or teen become a bully. The bullies always stayed bullies, and the targets always stayed targets. If a target of bullying stands up for himself when he’s attacked, that can be misconstrued by an onlooker as bullying, but it is not. It is self-defense. But I do warn readers of the difference between defending yourself and becoming a bully: “If you act mean to them anytime other than after they’ve just insulted you, you’ve now become the criminal! Your job is not to start confrontations; it’s to finish them on the spot” (pgs. 86-87). So in that way my advice could help prevent targets from becoming bullies.
Peer Support Networker reviewer says:
My response:
With regard to clothing (pg. 53), I was talking about changes that kids can make to their outward appearance to reduce their chances of being attacked by bullies. While some changes can be made to protect yourself, it isn’t a good idea to buy a lot of expensive designer clothes in an attempt to copy those in the popular crowd like you’re a wannabe. The important thing is to concentrate on acting more confident and friendly, not wearing designer jeans. Again, I believe this is practical, logical advice that is not related to religion.
I listed faith in God as only one way to help cope with ridicule, not the only way.
Peer Support Networker reviewer says:
My response:
I tried ignoring the bullies for many years. My results were consistent. The bullies who hounded me day after day, year after year, were the ones I ignored/pretended not to hear—and the ones the teachers/administrators ignored/pretended not to hear. Then there were isolated incidents where those bullies were not present. Once, for example, a group of girls started harassing me, and I mustered the courage to stand up for myself. Even though my verbal comebacks weren’t that great, those girls still never bothered me again. I had nipped it in the bud. I was too much trouble for them to bother with. Why jab someone who’s going to jab you back when you can jab someone who will give you free reign while humorously pretending she doesn’t feel it (by ignoring you) or when you can get a rise out of someone (make her show that you’ve upset her)?
I would argue that even if a kid does ignore the bully and the bully eventually stops, the kid’s self-esteem will still be damaged, more so than if the kid stands up for herself. I believe that ignoring bullies is the equivalent of doing nothing, and doing nothing is beneficial to the bullies and to those bystanders (both students and teachers) who don’t want to get involved or deal with a confrontation. It is not beneficial to the targets.
Peer Support Networker reviewer says:
My response:
Some kids may be able to stop the bullies in a timely manner by following the rules of self-defense in Ch. 4 and some may not. And if they aren’t able to, it certainly isn’t their fault. Stopping bullies can be difficult or impossible for the targets to do on their own, especially if it’s gang bullying, if the pattern of bullying is well established, or if there is a threat of physical violence that deters the targets from standing up for themselves. So in some cases, it may take a long time (as it did for me); it may take a gradual process of following the advice in Ch. 3 (avoiding depression and rage and making positive changes in the way they look or act) or following the advice in the “Additional Resources” Web sites or elsewhere.
Aside from stopping the bullies, I believe there is something positive to be gained from the tips on how to cope and how to improve one’s self-esteem and social life, as well as from the affirmation of the targets’ worth. The battle to overcome peer ridicule does not stop when the bullies stop; it is something the targets may struggle with for a long time afterward.
—Deanna Miller
“…Although I agree with her Rule #5, I had some reservations about her other suggestions. I feel that Rule #1, for example, further isolates the children being bullied, and it would be better to encourage these students to involve their parents, teachers, or other authority figures in supporting them and in attempting to sort out the problem.”
Under Rule #1, “Don’t Expect Other People to Stand Up for You,” I do recommend that bullied kids and teens find adults they can confide in for support. I just don’t think it’s a good idea for young people to rely on adults to fight their battles for them unless the kids are very young. Perhaps it is indeed effective in some cases for parents to complain to the school administrators on their children’s behalf, although that didn’t work in my case. But all I’m saying is that relying on adults or peers to stand up for you every time you’re ridiculed/bullied simply does not work and definitely does not earn you the respect of the bullies or the bystanders. I know this from years of experience, but it’s also common sense. You have to learn how to stand up for yourself. Standing up for yourself does not isolate you; it empowers you.
“The one rule that I had the most difficult time with was Rule #4, get quick with the comebacks. I think that meeting insult or sharp comment with a comeback only encourages the bully to continue.”
I disagree. If you say something back to the bullies that shows you’re upset, then yes, it will encourage the bullies to continue because they like to get a rise out of you. But that is not the same as giving them a clever comeback that cuts them down to size. One reason why teachers and school administrators don’t want targets to stand up for themselves is because these adults are genuinely concerned that it could result in an escalation of the bullying and further harm to the targets. However, in my experience, another reason why they don’t want targets to stand up for themselves is because the teachers and administrators don’t want to deal with a conflict. Better to let the bullied kids get psychologically damaged in silence than have them stand up for themselves and possibly create a conflict that these adults will have to address.
“This response [Rule #4, get quick with the comebacks] could also lead to physical violence more readily, and, even though avoiding fighting is her Rule #5, always having comebacks could escalate the situation.”
Although I recommend comebacks, I do not tell readers to always have comebacks. I say that if physical violence is a real possibility, it’s a better idea to focus on other strategies mentioned in the book. But the targets and their parents should use their best judgment as to whether physical violence is likely, because every situation is different. Ironically, the only bully who got physically violent with me was one of the bullies I never stood up to and always ignored.
“As a victim of bullying herself, the author relates personal episodes in her life to describe her pain and self-doubt. Because of this, it does give her some credibility for writing such a book. A reservation that I have as a former classroom teacher on playground duty or in the classroom is that it takes a whole school or community to deal with the issue of bullying. Dealing with bullying on an individual basis is so much more difficult if students try to cope with it by themselves. If a whole school environment, including parents, teachers, students, and school administrators, makes a conscious decision to deal with bullying as part of the discipline program, more can be accomplished as a group to overcome the problem.”
In the cover letter I sent to CM Magazine with my book, I wrote, “The problem of school bullying needs to be tackled from all angles. One angle is for teachers to put a halt to bullying when they witness it. Another is to change the mind-set of the student majority so that bullies feel the weight of the majority’s disapproval instead of feeling encouraged to bully because the majority either ignores the bullying or finds it entertaining. Another angle is to empower the targets of bullying by giving them books like this one.”
“I disagree with the author’s assumption that few materials are available to deal with this issue. More useful programs are becoming available as school divisions both in the United States and Canada strive to deal with the problem of bullying, especially following the tragedies at Columbine and other schools.”
I don’t think I say in the book that there are few materials available. The Web is full of materials. Perhaps the reviewer is referring to my cover letter, in which I wrote, “I started writing the book (before the Columbine school shooting took place) because I saw no self-help books on this topic in the intermediate or young adult sections of bricks-and-mortar bookstores and libraries. In fact, most books on bullying are either picture books for very young kids or advice books for adults. But it is the older kids and teens who usually face the worst bullying and are therefore at the highest risk for harming themselves or others in response to the abuse. It seems strange to me that now, years after Columbine and other school shootings carried out by middle and high school kids who were bullied and ‘snapped,’ I still see no self-help books on this topic in the intermediate or young adult sections of bookstores and libraries.”
“Another reservation that I have is the fact that she does not use any fiction or nonfiction literature as a springboard for class discussions.”
This book is not intended for class discussions. As stated in the first chapter, it’s intended for the targets of bullying. It is a book for them to read in private or with their parents.
“This is possibly because she does not have a teaching background. The use of such fiction books as Leo the Late Bloomer by Robert Kraus and Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson, and nonfiction books such as Being Bullied by Joy Berry, would be very helpful in dealing with the issue of bullying.”
That nonfiction book is probably helpful, but fiction books about bullying are useful only in making the bystanders (the majority of students, who are neither bullies nor targets) more sensitive to the issue and more inclined to stand up for targets of bullying. My book is aimed at the targets of bullying. Fiction books are not intended to instruct targets on how to cope with being bullied. I read fiction books such as Bridge to Terabithia when I was a kid, and they were excellent and enjoyable reads, but they did absolutely nothing to help me overcome my own problem of being bullied. And, as I said, they are not meant to.
“I feel that this book might help teenagers who are being picked on to begin to learn how to overcome their feelings of inferiority, but I would only recommend it as part of a more formal program by a school or school division to work towards the elimination of bullying altogether. The issue continues to be brought to the public’s attention in the daily newspapers as a new school year is about to begin. This is important as bullying is a concern that needs to be kept current so that zero tolerance concerning bullying can eventually be realized.”
Whatever formal programs my schools had on bullying, if any, completely failed me, and I believe many schools are still failing to protect bullied kids. Frankly, I would be quite happy if all of the schools were doing a great job in this area and no one needed books like mine because no one was being ridiculed/bullied. That type of attack on people’s self-worth in their early years interferes with the development of the confidence and inner security that they will very much need to be successful in the adult world, so it is extremely important to provide an environment that is as conducive to this development as possible. At the same time, we must remember that even if we create a utopia in the schools, this type of utopia where no one ever criticizes or damages anyone does not exist in the adult world. Young people need to be prepared for this, but it also wouldn’t hurt for the adult world to set a better example if we expect there to be zero bullying in the schools.
“Written in an emotive style, Miller’s book powerfully rekindled many of my own childhood experiences relating to bullying. It is a tribute to her literary skills that she is able to write a book for an audience of children and teenagers that is clear, direct, and engaging. Indeed, so lucid and strong is the sentiment of the book, that I could easily relate to the author’s accounts of her own experiences. This is also the book’s greatest weakness.
I believe the lessons I learned can be applied to many other cases of peer ridicule, but there are exceptions to everything.
“What is evident from the book is that Miller is offering her audience an alternative perspective on the experience of being ridiculed, one that has helped her understand and deal better with this experience. Contrast this with those authors who seek to provide scientific information so that the audience can make informed decisions, and we can see which will be the friendlier of the two (Miller of course). But this alternative perspective is not always useful.”
A book for bullied kids that contains purely scientific information is also not always useful. Peer ridicule is a very emotional experience: bullies get an emotional high out of putting someone down, and targets grapple with anger, sadness, resentment for the bullies and bystanders, and diminished self-esteem. So emotions cannot be dismissed and should certainly be addressed in discussions on how to cope with and prevent bullying. Of course, both scientific information and personal accounts have their own strengths and weaknesses.
“Whilst placing herself firmly on the side of the victim, Miller shows no compassion for the bully for whom she has no end of insults. Knowing that many bullied children become bullies, blurring the dichotomy between victim and perpetrator, I feel uncomfortable with her position.”
Regarding “no compassion for the bully”: Kids and teens have committed suicide and gone on shooting sprees because of the way bullies damaged them. Adults have struggled with depression, mental problems, self-esteem issues, and lack of confidence because of the way the bullies of their youth harassed them. Bullies attack when you have done nothing at all to provoke them. Your mere presence is the only provocation they need, and this can do far-reaching damage to you. Yet many bullies (including those who harassed me) have fun hurting people and do it with impunity. This is unjust. Because of that, and because I specify up front in my book that it is not written for kids who ridicule/bully others, it is not my job in this context to show compassion for the bullies. I leave that to the therapists they should be seeing.
“She also takes the opportunity to tell children that non-prescribed drugs are bad and that they should not spend too much money on clothing. This kind of advice seems more relevant to her own professed beliefs in Christianity and the notion that her readers can find solace in God, than to overcoming peer ridicule in itself.”
With regard to drugs (pgs. 43-44), I meant kids should not to do drugs (as in illegal drugs like LSD, cocaine, etc.) to make themselves feel better and escape from a troubled reality. “Don’t do drugs” is sensible advice that has nothing to do with religion. Taking illegal drugs and possibly getting addicted will not help a person overcome peer ridicule. That is common sense.
“Framing her suggestions as ‘guidelines’ rather than ‘rules’ might also be more appropriate. For example, her rule that children should not ignore bullies contradicts evidence that some children have found ‘ignoring the bully’ useful.”
If this evidence is based on surveys, that makes sense because with surveys you’ll get every possible answer under the sun. Even though the sky is blue, there will always be some respondents who say it’s green. Similarly, some respondents may say they stopped the bullying by ignoring the bullies, but I know from many years of trying that strategy myself, and seeing others try it, that it does not work—and in fact makes it worse. Perhaps it has worked in some cases, if the reviewer says so, but I have never witnessed such a phenomenon, and it would be dishonest for me to recommend something that I have never seen work.
“Towards the end of her book, Deanna Miller suggests that if the book does not work for the child they should see fault with the book rather than themselves. She then offers a list of useful Internet resources so that the child can seek further information. It is this ending that saves the book, allowing the reader to learn from Miller’s experiences and try out some of the advice she offers, while still being able to keep faith if it all does not work out. I can recommend this book to any school library, where many children will undoubtedly gain something positive from this book, although some might not.”
I believe any target of ridicule can gain something positive from the book, although bullies and bystanders might not. But let’s assume the reviewer means some targets will gain something positive and some might not. By “gain something positive,” I don’t know if the reviewer is referring to stopping the bullies (the outer battle) or overcoming peer ridicule (the targets’ inner battle), although these two are certainly related.